I've always thought of the word 'hate' as a word that is final, has a life of it's own, never dies, and is the worst thing that you can say to another person. But can I use this word to describe my feelings for a disease that has been a part of my life for over 25 years? Am I allowed to use this word against a foe that is not human? Am I allowed to place this curse on something that is not me, but is within me?
I have struggled with this philosophical question at times, wondering if hating a part of myself, my life, is in fact hating myself. There are those that would argue that the migraine is not truly a part of ones self. I know that I have made a conscious decision not to allow the migraine label to be a part of who I am. But it does live in and control my life much as the sun and rain control my ability to perform some outdoor tasks.
Is having something controlling my life make it a part of my life? Does it make it, in fact, a part of me?
A cyst or a lesion may be attached to my physical body, but not actually be a part of myself. The impact they cause is the effect they present. Removal of the physical is removal of the effect. A migraine is the effect of some, at this time, unknown physical condition that could be vascular, neurological, corporal, as well as many other systemic conditions. But, in truth, the pain is not a part of me.
Can I hate the effect, migraine, without hating myself? Most certainly! I am allowed to have a strong aversion to the condition that plagues me, and still love myself. I will not use migraine as a way to describe myself. I will not allow it to become a part of me. I will continue to seek its cause and treat the effect, without giving up. I do this because I hate migraines. I do not hate myself.
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Insightful post -- I don't doubt that every long-term migraineur has pondered these or similar questions.
ReplyDeleteMigraine doesn't define or dictate who we are, but it certainly has an impact on how we live our lives -- what we do (or don't do) and what we miss!
Hate them or not we just have to keep reaching beyond these migraine attack monsters.
I do hate migraines. Or mostly I think that I hate what migraine turn me into when I have one, a whiney quiet recluse trying to bury myself in a cloud of darkness and relief. and I hate what they turn me into when I don't have one, a coward, afraid of doing anything that might cause the pain to come back.
ReplyDeleteIts hard to find an identity beyond "girl who suffers from migraines", because they are there no matter what I am doing.
I overwhelmingly relate to this post and reading another persons introspection is in an odd way comforting. I sense common thought processes of migraineurs and people who suffer from chronic pain...in a way having this disease makes us look at ourselves, provokes us to ask why, what is happening, who am I...and ultimately, perhaps, it makes us better people.
ReplyDeleteI HATE migraines too, I HATE the control they have over me and I thank you for the reminder of the separation from myself and my migraines!