Monday, June 15, 2009

I hate Migraines

I've always thought of the word 'hate' as a word that is final, has a life of it's own, never dies, and is the worst thing that you can say to another person. But can I use this word to describe my feelings for a disease that has been a part of my life for over 25 years? Am I allowed to use this word against a foe that is not human? Am I allowed to place this curse on something that is not me, but is within me?

I have struggled with this philosophical question at times, wondering if hating a part of myself, my life, is in fact hating myself. There are those that would argue that the migraine is not truly a part of ones self. I know that I have made a conscious decision not to allow the migraine label to be a part of who I am. But it does live in and control my life much as the sun and rain control my ability to perform some outdoor tasks.

Is having something controlling my life make it a part of my life? Does it make it, in fact, a part of me?

A cyst or a lesion may be attached to my physical body, but not actually be a part of myself. The impact they cause is the effect they present. Removal of the physical is removal of the effect. A migraine is the effect of some, at this time, unknown physical condition that could be vascular, neurological, corporal, as well as many other systemic conditions. But, in truth, the pain is not a part of me.

Can I hate the effect, migraine, without hating myself? Most certainly! I am allowed to have a strong aversion to the condition that plagues me, and still love myself. I will not use migraine as a way to describe myself. I will not allow it to become a part of me. I will continue to seek its cause and treat the effect, without giving up. I do this because I hate migraines. I do not hate myself.

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